Thursday, February 16, 2012

Vulnerable

I want to share something God put on my heart.
I have to admit, I'm feeling a wee bit shy and vulnerable with this post.
But I feel the Lords tug, and He wants me to share.

I have been in a yucky funk lately.
I couldn't figure out what the problem was, 
so I took it out on my family of course. 
Lovely.
I was just down.
A heavy heart.
 Heart hurting, I'm a freak, what's my problem, down.
Then I realized what the problem was.
My thoughts.
Oh, man, I was so mean!
I was speaking to myself in the cruelest way!
I would never talk to anyone else this way, not even my dog.
Here's a little glimpse:
  • We had cornbread last night and I didn't sweep up the crumbs- it felt like you were walking on the beach as you walked across the dining room- 
                 "You are so lazy!  Your house is filthy, you are disgusting."
    • We didn't start school until 9:30- 
    "You are the worst  teacher. You are not fit to teach your children. If they were in regular school, they would have been at it for hours already"
    • I hurt a friend-
    " You stink at friendship.  How many times have you hurt a friend?  How many friendships have faded because you are selfish and don't give enough time to your friends?"
      • I snapped at my children continuously-
      "You stink as a mom"  You are seriously mean and screwing up your kids lives."
      • I was rude to my husband-
      " You have no idea how good you have it.  You're lucky he's even with you. You don't deserve him."
        • I got a new blog header-
        "Who are you kidding?  Do you think you're some big time blogger now and need a fancy blog header?"
        • As I'm working on blooms-
        " You seriously think theses are good enough to sell? What makes you think you're good enough to have an Etsy shop?"
          • There was a mile long list of fun valentines things to do with the girls, that we didn't do-
          "Your priorities stink."
          • I was tired of hearing my kids noise 
          "You stink as a mom. Have some patience already!"
          • The number on the scale is getting higher and my clothes a bit snugger-
          You don't even want me to go there.

          ENOUGH ALREADY!! 

           I tried so hard to drown out these negative hamster-wheel thoughts, but they just kept getting louder, 
          and meaner, and more painful to hear.
          So I turned to scripture.
            

          (a negative thought even tried to sneak in with this idea  
          "you stink at memorizing- how many times have you tried and failed")

          But I knew this was the only way to shut those yucky thoughts up- so I wrote down and repeated Philippians 4:8.


          Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-
          meditate on these things. 

          I don't have it memorized yet.  
          But if one of those nasty thoughts tries to creep in, 
          I pull out my cheat sheet and read.


          Oh my goodness, I cannot tell you how much this has helped!
           If you struggle with negative thoughts and low self esteem, I highly encourage you to memorize scripture to drown out those negative thoughts.

          Because those thoughts are not from Him.
          Would you ever allow someone to talk to your child like that?
          No stinkin' way!
          So don't talk to God's child like that!

          I am so thankful for these learning lessons.
          Sometimes they're not fun, but the result is always good!

           And I'm not in a funk any more.

          Praise Jesus!




          15 comments:

          1. I'm so glad you wrote this blog post! It seriously could have been 1 that I wrote. Everything you said pretty much sums up my funk lately...I try to say a prayer to drown them out but haven't been good at that. Thanks for the reminder!

            Btw, Your blog header and etsy shop banner are adorable! And I don't know you personally but I'm sure not of the other things are true!

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          2. this is so brave of you to write. i think we all have these thoughts. BUT i am here to say...don't you DARE believe them, or i'll have to smack you silly!! :)
            you are a beautiful, blessing of a person. you radiate joy and life.
            that's why i love you :)
            have a sweet day.

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          3. Hey you. I have been reading Philippians this week also for Bible Study. I LOVE that verse, actually all of chapter four. I think as women we have so many roles to fulfill (followers of Christ,wife, mom, friend, teacher, house keeper...) and we want to do them all perfectly. It is hard to feel like we don't measure up, but focusing on the things described in 4:8 is a clear way to combat that feeling. In my eyes you measure up. Sometimes one of the things about blogging that I have found is that reading other people's blogs can make you feel bad about yourself, because naturally you think, "wow, she is better at ________ than I am." So I have to remind myself that the posts I read are often only the best side of one person. We all fail. We all have things about ourselves we would like to change, and we are not likely to share them on a blog post. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of comparing yourself to someone else, or the version of themselves they show on their blog. Focus on what is true. Even I have sometimes read your blog and thought, "Amy is probably a better homeschool teacher than me," but I just have to let that feeling go and know that it's not fair to compare yourself to someone else, and it is not good to beat yourself up if you are not all you would like to be in every area of your life. We are not perfect. God is perfect. Rejoice in him. Big X. Big O.

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          4. Amy, you have hit at the heart of every woman. This is BEAUTIFULLY written and valuable. Thanks for saying out loud what we're all thinking on the inside.

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          5. So blessed that you shared your heart with us Amy. That was a good word! It seems that most of us fall into a funk around this time of year, weird, but so true, Jan. & Feb. seem to be the hardest months for me to stay happy and positive, maybe it's the weather and lack of sun, who knows, but I do know that Jesus is our JOY, our source of strength. I lean on that, "The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength". The enemy hates this and will never stop trying to get into our heads and lie to us, glad you recognized this and went to the Word of God...freedom! :)

            Blessings over you and your family.

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          6. I completely understand where you are at!!! I totally struggle with being mean to myself too! I am glad you are funk free! Have an AWESOME AWESOME Thursday!

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          7. me too. It is easiest to be mean to the ones who are closest to you or to be mean to yourself. I have a big problem with being mean to myself even out loud in front of people. I recently realized what I was doing. I have a tendency to really tear myself up when something doesn't go right.I also realized it is the enemy who wants us to believe those thoughts. Thank you for opening up it is just what I needed as I too am going through this. Your such a delight...and p.s I love your banner!!! Hugs and prayers and good thoughts your way, Mica

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          8. those verses are so so so good. it's such a tangible way to redirect our thoughts to things above. and if it makes you feel any better... i struggle with so many of the very same things!!!

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          9. Oh Amy, I was truly hurting while reading what you were saying to yourself. I wanted to reach through the computer and give you a huge hug!!!! Sometimes it is so hard to tell the devil to leave and turn to God's comforting arms, but you did it and I'm all smiles :)!!!
            I have scripture verses all over my computer at work. It truly is the only way I can get through the day some days!!

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          10. I agree! It is so brave of you. I feel priviledged to read about what is on your heart because you are such a sweet lady.
            Everything you said I have thought and done! You already know how thankful I am for God's grace! Why are we so hard on ourselves? I struggle with this severely and that is what holds me back :(
            Hugs,
            Jen

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          11. Thank you so much for this post! I've been really, really struggling with this for months now and this is what I needed. As moms, I think we are hardest on ourselves than anyone else! I'm glad that you're out of your funk and I'll think of this when I have these thoughts myself.

            Kristen

            I love the new look on your blog! Gorgeous!

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          12. Wow Amy, I really needed to read this. I have been in a "funk" lately too. Complaining about everything. Putting myself down. It's a good thing I started reading "Captivating." It really opened my eyes to see that God longs for a relationship with us-- even though we mess up daily, are mean to our loved ones, and on and on... He still wants to be in a relationship with us! What an awesome GOD! I've never even met you nor have I spoken to you in person, but I know in my heart what an awesome, creative person you are. I'm so thankful that our paths crossed :)

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          13. Amy, you did a beautiful job in relaying how scripture is THE key to fighting off negativity. I am so thankful we serve a God who loves us and believes differently about us. I am sure if you didn't have your Blissful Blooms blog, Station 8 store, four beautiful little girls to raise, homeschooling responsibilities, an amazing man to love and care for, and silly friends like me to contend with than you just might have it all together. Hmmmm....actually, no....no you wouldn't...what am I saying? :-). We do the best in what the Lord has handed us and leave the rest to God. You, my friend, are the true thing...and as you know, I love you!

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